LRoV, as in Let’s Rag on Vulpi!

This unusual article was brought on by demand from numerous sources. It got me thinking, and I decided to help these fellows out. Here, you can send me all your well wishes and destination suggestions through the comments, so they’ll all be in one easy to find place. Have fun!

Now, let’s see just who this wonderful person the article speaks of is.

We know little about his early years, but we believe he was born sometime around the second half of round 4. His father was most likely a Shin swamp-monster, his mother was either an alpha-Flobberworm or a member of a race of shaolin-woodoo-aligators bread by a Khadduii with a sick sense of humour. Leading geneticists have been in debate over this for several rounds, with no compromise in sight.

He spent his childhood as the Leader of the alliance DEVIL, which in itself is a testament to his evil and treacherous personality. The ones responsible for mentoring this vile critter were despicable fiends like the Warlord Dominion, who has since left this Universe for one with less competition. They’ve taught the little beast everything they knew: treachery and spinelessness. Yet, even this wasn’t enough for the quick-learning knave, as through the years he also sought out the knowledge of the strengthening Homálytestvéra.

He completed his SAT-s in the FORCE Institute of Universal Education somewhere around the 6th round; where he scored a record 110% on backstab theory and implemented treachery courses. The members of the board (SchollerSárkány the man-eater, Ocsmány Amazon of the digitrox and,of course, Megátalkodott Medúza) wrote a shining letter of recommendation for his excrement-stirring and aggravation talents, and his unparalleled and unfounded pride were considered an example for students and professors for many years.

We have little information regarding his university days, since he went abroad to study, but there’s little doubt in anyone’s mind that he was up to no-good!

Having acquired his diploma through deceit, he became a chairman at NeXuS Co., a universal waist transportation company, where he continued his shady operations. The fruit of his labour was a treaty with the demonic warlords Argedath, Naggoroth and Varbaneth, through which he managed to brainwash 300 people to do his bidding without question. These folks have been known to jump out of the safety of their ships and into the vacuum of space at a snap of their master’s fingers like the brainless undead that they are.

Using the market collapse and shift in government of the 8th round to his advantage, he founded the ROID-SZRP consortium from the remains of companies that went under, and then went on to found the ALLIN public limited company, which to this day is infamous for its immoral tactics and ruthlessness in the business world. His arrival in the office is announced to the workers by the spine chilling laughter channelled through the intercom system every morning.

If this abridged story of his life hasn’t forced you to flee in terror and disgust, then be forewarned that the following section showcases this immoral soul’s daily routine in all its horrible detail. We would also like to dedicate this schedule to the countless brave reporters, scientists and Indiana Jones-es who were sacrificed to obtain this information for us, suffering the legendary cruelty Vulpi and his henchmen oh so proudly boast of regularly.

The schedule:

“*****
6:00 The computer alarm awakens me. Just who in their right mind would wake up at this hour? I devour a pair of diplomatic treaties to try and make my morning crankiness subside. Doesn’t work though, so back to bed it is!

7:00 It’s the alarm again. Time to get up, shower, shave, get a cup of coffee and call two admirals over the intercom and promise them each others’ position. Their death match should provide some breakfast entertainment.

7:40 On my way to the office. I tell my driver to lower the altitude of the giro-mobile and run over at least three dogs and two elderly citizens or students before we reach the office. After all, a man needs to keep his reputation!

8:00 Arrival at the office. My secretary instantly turns ont he intercom so I can send my usual morning evil cackle to the mindless drones I employ. It makes me feel all warm inside. Then I offer a human sacrifice to the Shin gods. It’s important to keep the gods contempt, you know!

9:15 Some of my business partners arrive. I welcome them in my office with coffee and cake. We talk pleasantly over trivial matters.

9:40 The meeting grows boring, and the Zyk death squad is running late. I’ll give them 10 more minutes.

9:47 My patience has run out! I’ll poison the next round of drinks myself!

9:51 The death squad finally arrives, unfortunately for them my guests have been dead for three minutes already. No matter, I’ll just have them slaughter 42 randomly selected employees for laughs.

10:53 I’m bored, and there’s at least an hour until lunch. I arrange a few “accidents” so there’ll be something worth reading in the Universal News Portal.

12:00 Lunchtime at last! I dine in the company of several high positioned delegates and alliance leaders, spreading lies all the while. It’s pathetic how easily they believe everything I tell them. To finish lunch with a bang, I conduct ritual torture on the waiter. He should’ve bowed one and a half centimetres lower when bringing our desert...

13:00

14:00

15:00
Three meetings back to back, three different interests, three different stands on my part. These three will most likely attack each other tomorrow. I love politics!

16:00 Time to head home. On the way I plan my newest scheme for world domination (OF COURSE!). I don’t even notice that my driver, trying to stay on my good side, runs over two teen girls on their way to the Galactic Ultramarkt. And he tried so hard too!

18:00 Dinner time. I spend dinner with a close circle of family. The last time I had a dinner guest, my wife served him for dinner. She said the kids need their protein. Maybe I shouldn’t have followed in my grandfather’s footsteps and married a Zyk. These little half-breed larva bastards eat like locusts!

20:00 Evening hollovision time. They’re airing the interview they had with me yesterday, and of course the lies are so thick they ooze over each other. My wife stares with dripping pincers, and complements me on my great speech. This pleases me, so today she doesn’t have to do the dishes. The kids aren’t so happy, as this means it’s their job to do it.

22:00 It’s time for my evening bath-naturally in freshly spilled blood- and bed. Got to get plenty of rest for tomorrow!

*****”

If all this evidence is still not enough for our readers to prove Vulpin’s true nature, then we have bad news for you: you’ve fallen victim to his brainwashing! May the Ascons have mercy on your sole!